I know I might be barking up the wrong tree, but I’m not going to leaf this subject alone. I’m acorn to share my view. I suppose the root of this stems from all the various branches of botany. If you read until the end, I willow you a great debt of gratitude.
Oh, hey there eucalyptus, whatchoo up to? Sucking up the nutrients, eh? Mind if I join in? Of course, you do, that’s not my role.
Imagine how much better your life would be if you didn’t have to go to all the effort of buying and preparing your shitty rice noodles. Yeah, that much better. Slink home and tell your friends, rice noodles. You could be better. You ain’t no Wizz Fizz.
Now use your brain lasers to imagine if we could shuffle through life absorbing all the nutrients and bullshit that we need from the earth and directly from the sun’s leering face? Pretty sweet, huh. Every morning you shuffle into some big old parkland or something, and just groove in the sun and some sweet ass dirt and then, boom, you’re sweet to go.
If that’s not enough of an argument to convince you that I have a point, then just imagine this with your old skull microwave:
What if Nazi Germany had been ruled by a tree? Yeah. The word your looking for to describe my argument is irrefutable.
Not entirely convinced, your honour? Allow me to present my next witness. If people were trees, imagine how epic our high-fives would be?
I know this might dampen the high opinion you all have of me, and believe me that I understand your point of view. I feel slightly monstrous even saying it, and am ready to concede it’s probably more my problem than anything else. Indeed, I’d probably keep this secret to myself if I wasn’t trying my hardest to overcome it. Intellectually, I know I’m wrong, but sometimes your brain is powerless to conquer the fears in your hearts or bowels. So, here it is, I’ll just say it: If people were trees, I wouldn’t want squirrels living all up in my junk.
Thank you.
5/5 stars.