NYWF 2013: The most wonderful time of the year.

I love NYWF. And so does Shalane.

I love NYWF. And so does Shalane.


Hello jerks and jerkettes,

Just a quick note to say that if you are coming to TINA or the National Young Writers Festival this long weekend, there are plenty of times where you can come and see me do some sort of thing. Really, I’ve kind of over-committed, it’s a bit dumb. Let’s break this down:

Thursday 3rd October:

Launch Launchpad

Relaunching The Sturgeon General along with a whole bunch of quality publications, I will be saying a thing and then introducing Jack Vening and his talented mouth-words to speak at ye.

Friday 4th October:

Sick As

I will be reading a story about being sick with some other writers, I hear on good authority someone is writing about sperm. I am writing about spiders.

First Time for Everything

I am super excited about this one, I’m reading a story with some absolutely hilarious people. They are:  Ben Jenkins, Tom Ballard, Jessica Alice, Seaton Kay-Smith, Alexandra Neill, Dan Ilic, Patrick Kelly, and Nick Sun. God damn this is going to be good.

Saturday 5th October

Too Close For Comfort

A panel where I am talking about collaborating on artistic projects with someone who I collaborate in the bedroom with, if you know what I mean. Actually our desks are in the bedroom too, so that is where all the collaboration tends to happen. Collaboration. Cahoots. We should use cahoots more often.

Sunday 6th October

Funnies Workshop

In this workshop, me and Sexy Tales Comedy regular Daniel East try to teach some tips about how to write comedy. It may or may not involve us laughing at our own jokes and high-fiving each other. Most of the slots for this are already booked up, but you can email them by following the link.

Late Night Reading: Good Neighbours

I loved the Late Night Readings at the last two NYWF’s, so it’s great to be involved again. I will read out some sort of thing.

Please come and say hi to me, I am sometimes awkward and standoffish, but that’s because I am probably just scared of you looming over me, and you just need to bend down and let me sniff your fingers and then I’ll be your friend.


10 Potential Spinoff Shows from ‘Game of Thrones’



I’ve decided that since Game of Thrones is the best show ever, HBO has to capitalise on its success and create a spree of spinoffs from the same world. Here is my pitch to them. Now I just have to wait for the money to come rolling in.

 1. How I met your Mother of Dragons

Fun and sassy sitcom about Daenerys Stormborn, living in New York and falling in and out of love. Jorah Mormont played by Neil Patrick Harris.

 2. Jon Snow’s Feelings for Snow

Jon Snow solves murders in the cold wastes beyond The Wall.

3. Melisandre’s Puppy Rescue

Because the night is dark and full of terriers.

 4.  Seventh Devan

Davos Seaworth’s second youngest son struggles to raise a respectably R’hllor fearing family. “I don’t care if it’s senior prom, you’ll join your mother and I in burning the icons of false faiths!”

5. Suddenly Cersei

Life’s tough for a gal in the big city – especially when her hunky twin brother is in town!

 6. Stark House

A more Dickensian Winterfell, with bleak servants and starving orphans. Hodor is just sad, instead of comic relief.

7. Ramsay Bolton’s Kitchen Nightmares

Roose Bolton’s legitimised bastard son helps failing restaurants survive via methods which mostly include flaying.

8. Seaworth Change

Davos Seaworth leaves behind the cut-throat world of monarchist politics and becomes Sigrid Thornton in a small town. Will he discover love with the hunky and mysterious Diver Dan?

9. Lysa Arryn’s Aerie Tales

Settle down for a night of spooky tales in the eeriest aerie in Westeros,  told by a crazy woman breast-feeding her preteen son.

 10.  Two and Halfman

Tyrion Lannister, Charlie Sheen and a pack of barbarians would actually be a fairly amazing show.

Creature of the Nightfill

So in my semi-regular style, you won’t have seen much of me recently. Mystery man, has has been living in a castle and selling contraband gin? Nay. I’ve been neck deep in my new play ‘Creature of the Nightfill’.

close up

Creature of the Nightfill is part of the Tamarama Rock Surfers 2013 Independent Season, and it’s on at the Bondi Pavilion Theatre 27-30 March. WHICH IS NEXT WEEK. You can find out more details and also buy tickets here.

To put it bluntly, I’m spazzing the shit out. I’m really proud of this show, the cast we have is absolutely stellar and it’s just a really silly and worthwhile play, with robot suits made of milk cartons and bear murders. And it’s a really big theatre, so I’ve been working really hard trying to get the word out to fill it. I’ve probably been pissing people off with my constant promo posts on Facebook and Twitter, but I just really want people to see it.

And  I promise when this is over, I’ll write some more biz for this blorg. All the biz. All the blorg.

100 Years of Lizards

Q: Where the shit have you been, Patrick? Don’t you love us anymore? What’s that in your hand? Are you really a para-trooper from the 1940s?
A: It’s true, I’ve been sadly absent. But I still love you, like a dog loves its flappy mouth. A water bottle. No.


Since the beginning of last year, I’ve been working on a play called 100 Years of Lizards. I wrote and produced it! We were at the Underbelly Arts Festival on Cockatoo Island, Crack Theatre Festival in Newcastle and have been fundraising around Sydney. But it’s all been a lead up for the upcoming Adelaide Fringe Festival. Which opens this week.
100 Years of Lizards has been an absolutely epic project, and I’d love it if you could see the results of all the hard work. I’ve been lucky to work with some truly hilarious and gifted people.

If you live in Sydney, we have two shows THIS WEEKEND at the Old 505 Theatre. Saturday at 8pm and Sunday at 7pm. There are an extremely small amount of tickets, only available at the door. Check out the deets here. I will never say ‘deets’ again if you come.

Then we will be at the Adelaide Fringe. Our show will run from March 1st to March the 17th. We will be playing at 8.30pm a The Maid. To gather specificities and book tickets ONLINE (what black witchery is this?) you can click on this glowing word here.

Finally, if you aren’t convinced, hows about you read one of the reviews we have. REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW.


So, in order for me to not go crazy with stress and fear, I made the harder-than-it-sounds decision to NOT DO ANYTHING unless it was ‘Lizard related. I am sorry about that. Once this crazy fringe process is over, I promise I will Spontaneously Review like it was 2011.


I am offering a FREE TICKET to 100 Years of Lizards at the Adelaide Fringe only for readers of the Spontaneity Review. If you reply in the comments section of this blog and rate lizards out of 5 stars and explain your reasoning with only one sentence, a ticket to the opening night of our show on March 1st will go to my favourite score. In case that was confusing, here’s a step by step process:
1. comment in the comment box
2. Rate ‘Lizards’ out of 5 stars. eg – ‘2/5 stars’
3. Explain: ‘Lizards live in my colon’
4. I judge them while drunk.
5. Winner gets his ticket

I look forward to our new year of spontaneity, and I truly hope I get to meet and drink with ye fine people at these shows. Or elsewhere. But mostly at these shows. Because I’m all invested in them, yo.

– Patrick