Small Talk

Moving in the cut-throat world of independent theatre as I do, I’ve become an absolute master of the crucial skill known as foyer small talk.
THE STARS:
Here’s a list of things you absolutely must do:
Be Personable and Fun –
No-one likes a fuddy-duddy bowing from the waist and calling you sirrah from atop his theatre horse. Instead, mix it up and show that you are ‘down’ with the youth element that convert warehouse spaces into raves and confronting galleries. If there’s one thing the theatre world wants apart from money, recognition and purpose in life, it’s to feel culturally relevant. Acceptable opening lines when confronting your thespian buds, are phrases like ‘How goes it, my demonlords?’ Or ‘Smashtastic, personally I think there are TOO many women writers’ while slapping yourself about the head.
Forget Everybody’s Name –
It’s really bad form to greet people by their names. All this shows is that the person you are greeting is more important than you are. In fact, one of the best ways to get by when people say hello, is simply to just drool furiously for a few seconds.
It’s been a pleasure.

Drink to Excess –
That way, your opinion of whatever travesty you just saw in the theatre, effectively becomes nullified. If you liked it, you’ll back it up with all the enthusiasm of a thousand house reds. And if you didn’t like it, people will just assume you’re drunk. Because you are.
LACK OF STARS:
Here’s a list of things you absolutely must not do:
Talk About Theatre –
We get it. You’re in a theatre. It means you must be involved in theatre in some way. Therefore you have logically seen other theatre. Boring! Mix it up a little bit. Talk about that time you threw a ferret at someone. Emphasise your point by throwing a ferret at someone.
Ask Polite Questions –
This is a sign of weakness in the turgid swamp of foyer small talk. If you must seek out information, do this in the manner of a Nazi inquisitor or perhaps a drill sergeant. Keep your victim off guard by slamming your fist on the table repeatedly. Consider water torture.
HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING ON ANYTHING NEW, MOTHERFUCKER?
WELL, HAVE YOU?
Ride in on a Motorbike wearing a Whoopi Goldberg Mask While Reciting Aussie Hip-Hop Lyrics in a Dull Monotone –
You can do better than that, man.
THE SCORE:
1/5 stars.
Spontaneighers, if you are part of either the Facebook or Twitter cults, every month I do a call out for what YOU want to see reviewed. You can find me at @patricklenton for Twitter. Or join the fanpage on Facebook! There are no noticeable rewards for either, except more access to my ranting and constant updates of my day to day activities.
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