Spiky bliss fruit.


You zesty ball of absurdist fun. You yellow acid sprout. I don’t know where you come from and I don’t know why you come from, but goddamn it, you are amazing.

If hitting your tongue like a lizard made from sparkle isn’t enough, pineapple has gained added meaning in today’s confusing world of carbon taxes and zany fundamentalism.

When a person puts their hand up and proudly proclaims that they love pineapple, it isn’t the same as your boring friend Sue constantly banging on about her morbid obsession with Paw-Paw. It’s isn’t like that frenzied office-worker who is all loose skin and feverish eyes who bails you up at the urinal and confides that he lost all his weight by only eating cucumbers.

That’s my flappy skin arms, not a bra. And that’s a cucumber. 

By saying you love pineapple, you’re saying you like change. You’re fun, new and don’t put up with any gaff from the old guard or the fat cats upstairs wearing big wigs.

My wig could be bigger.

There’s a very clear historical lineage to this trend, but you won’t find it in any history books. Fact – the dominant paradigm does not like pineapple. Basically it all stems from the first time somebody put pineapple on a pizza. That’s when the world was split in two – one side embracing the sheer deliciosity of this taste revolution, the other half skulking in their marble mausoleums, muttering about tradition.


Up til now, eating pineapple has just been something you do offhandedly, like watering the cat or screaming at your taxes. But now that you’ve read this, you know there’s a responsibility. You are a pineapple eater now, and nothing will be the same. The people who disagree with your choices will let themselves be known, and while it may be easier to turn the other cheek, you’ve got to wear your pineapple proudly.

Throw a pineapple in the faces of the things that are outdated and pointless. The Queen? Throw a pineapple at her. The Pope? Pineapple chunks. Jim Wallace? Hit him with a length of pine.


5/5 stars


2 thoughts on “Pineapples

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