Turtles

Are YOU a turtle? Shit you’re awesome.

THE STARS:

Fact: most animals cannot be used as a murder weapon just by throwing them directly into the face of your enemy. I mean, snakes, maybe. But nothing beats the sheer bludgeoning force of the turtle.

Fact: Slow and steady wins the race. What race? Evolution.

Fact: There were these damn snapping turtles (or maybe tortoises, they were too submerged for me to see their legs) that lived in this zoo when I was growing up. Those things gave me the hibblies. Then one day I saw them eat a duck!

Fact: Robinson Crusoe and other famous castaways eat lots of turtle eggs, allowing them to survive impossible odds and be racist.

Fact: The original premise for the  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was stolen from Degrassi Jnr High. Degrassi decided to have less turtles and more Canadians because of the fat cats upstairs dictating policy.

And after this we’ll go fight Shredder, aka youth suicide.

LACK OF STARS:

Once I went to this week long party at my friends house in Oatley, and at some point in time tequila was involved. Tequila is such a great idea, except when you drink it. Being the polite and responsible drinker that I am, I crawled into a corner of their backyard to vomit somewhere safe and out of the way. I chose to vomit all the Mexican out of me behind a palm tree, as is traditional amongst my kind.

What I didn’t realise was that I was showing the same amount of savvy as a turtle, namely the hosts pet turtle, who was hibernating behind that palm tree.

Let me tell you, you don’t know awkward until someone comes and tells you while you’re psychotically hungover, that you’ve vomited on their pet turtle. You don’t know sadness until you’re informed that the super acidity of your stomach juices might have stripped the turtles shell, thus making it un-waterproof, meaning it can never swim again.

So, sure, that’s pretty much the worst thing I’ve ever done. But then it gets weirder.

When our host’s parents came home, they noticed the cat wasn’t sleeping in the room it usually does. Coincidentally, this is the room I was sleeping in while I was staying there. Using complicated science, which I can only assume involve repeatedly throwing the cat into the room and watching it run out again, they came to the following conclusion. I had ‘interfered’ with their cat. I had molested it.

And they didn’t even KNOW that I had vomited on their turtle.

Also, the next door neighbours house burnt down while we were staying there, and it might have been my friend Anna.

THE SCORE:

5/5. That last bit was just about how I suck. 2/5 for me.

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