This guy

This guy who frequents the same coffee shop as me.

THE STARS:

I don’t know this guy. I’ve never met him, never spoken to him. But I do know this – when I see him it’s like a ray of heroin flavoured sun has been beamed into my urethra. Now, don’t get the wrong idea. It isn’t just because he’s an attractive young man with a killer sense of style. There’s so many of those around where I live, I strongly suspect the local council implemented a ‘hipster per street corner’ initiative which has been wildly successful. No, this guy is a truly unique creature, like a unicorn in casual pants. I’m going to attempt to draw him:

Some kind of green bird.

That’s right. He is beyond the powers of MS paint. If you take a photo of him, your camera turns into a duck. Try to record him on film, and you get a loop of Nicholas Cage’s droopy face in the last scene of Con Air. Record his voice and you can hear Mick Jagger ordering breakfast. After several days of contemplation and research, I can only assume this guy is a god walking amongst us, or perhaps the concept of perfection dreamed into reality. I assume he is a student at UTS, and can only assume he was created as a balance to the supreme ugly that is the UTS tower.

I think his parents are probably THE SUN and THOR. I think his kidneys are made of gold. I think that…

“I’m just a thunder god, in front of THE SUN… asking him to love me.”

LACK OF STARS:

I just realised who he looks exactly like.

He looks like Mac from the best comedy show ever, Green Wing. Except younger and more glamorous. That’s slightly embarrassing. I’m willing to go with it.

THE SCORE:

5/5 stars

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