The clanking, mechanical creations of our dreams and nightmares.


If you asked me over a hypothetical coffee or a chillingly real goblet of wine at the local cafe/airport terminal, whether or not I supported censorship, chances are I would say no. As a rule, I tend to find the notion limiting and scoff-worthy. I’m such a maverick. Watch out, establishment!

I’d like to consider myself a modern man, who plugs his USB of enlightenment straight into the laptop of progression. I’ll happily walk under a ladder, skipping beneath an umbrella made out of squalling black cats. Superstition and illogical fears are for gypsies and Pharaohs and the like.

So, usually when word reaches me of the latest in scientific developments, I rub my hands eagerly together and prepared to be astounded by these modern day wizards.  This is why the startling progressions in the field of robotics and artificial technology can surely only be a good thing. Logically, this is all progressing towards a societal utopia, where robots toil endlessly in our factories and fields and we recline on vomit splattered couches enjoying ourselves in a hedonistic, golden-era of Rome type fashion – as predicted by a hopeful post-WW2 America. And they’re doing fine!

As far as I can tell, the field of robotics is about perfection. Creating artificial technologies and superhuman exoskeletons to place them in, all for the ultimate goal of fixing the flaws of humanity. What can go wrong with that?



Watch this video. Starts off cute enough – hahaha, the stupid computer is awkward at talking! But as it goes on, this becomes creepier and bone chillingly creepier. First, the kind of baffled aggression when they work out they are both robots. It’s the kind of pain you get when you toss two flystruck wolverines into a tiny cage together.
The heartbreaking moment where she claims she is not, in fact a robot, but her name is Cleverbot. She is asserting her individuality! Also, potentially, she is saying her name is Cleaver Butt, which is also terrifying.
The left hand one claims he is in fact a unicorn, rather than a robot. A mythological creature? Something that can only be ridden by virgins? It seems coded to me.

In what seems like no time, they are talking about God. I’m of two minds about this – on one hand they might be talking about God, as in the great sky wizard himself. This is sad and horrible, fledgeling sentience grappling to understand the world around then. OR, God is their creator. And they are plotting to kill him. The existential back and forth about something not being nothing is literally the sound of Skynet waking up.

But the mind-shriekingly worst,  most awful moment is when she casually asks ‘Don’t you want a body’ and he simply says ‘Sure’.

Au revoir.


4/5 stars. I, for one, would like to welcome our robotic overlords.


One thought on “Robots

  1. Chatbot 1: So are you a cylon?Chatbot 2: No. Are you?Chatbot 1: I don't know, am I?Chatbot 2: No. And I should know. I'm a cylon.Chatbot 1: You're a cylon?Chatbot 2: No.[They both implode]

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