You may have realised from reading this blog that I am both awkward and good at putting myself in awkward situations. On that note, I have compiled a list of handy hints to get out of awkward situations – or at least reduce their severity.
The first thing you have to realise is that small moments of awkward are often made worse by many of the techniques and skills I’m about to relate to you. Therefore, it is crucial to recognise instantly if the awkward situation you have found yourself in is actually so bad it is jawkward. Jawkward is where either you, or everyone around you, are so struck by the awkwardness of the situation, it is expressed by a fixed jaw position.
|OK… that picture could be better. Awkward.|
An example of a good jawkward situation was in a theatre lobby a while ago, where I ran into this actress who I vaguely know. She says hello, and I decide to lean in for the cheek kiss. I lean a little too far (she is short) and end up awkwardly kissing the side of her neck. THAT IS THE AKWARD MOMENT. How does it become jawkward?
I then decide to blow a big raspberry on her neck.
When I come back up, there is a room full of really, really, jawkward faces.
TECHNIQUES FOR ESCAPING A JAWKWARD SITUATION:
So, now you’ve established the level of awkwardness. What do you do? Try these handy hints –
THE SMOKE BOMB
This is a classic way for escaping an awkward moment, especially in conversation. Miming a smoke bomb, disappearing under the cover of a bunch of mime smoke.
Once again, miming a jetpack will help you escape. The good thing about this one is it’s very useful at parties and a staircase is nearby. I tend to use this one when I’m stuck in an awkward conversation and I’m actually just trying to get upstairs to pee.
THE SECRET BOOKCASE PASSAGE
This is not for the amateur. A more complicated mime, you have to indicate that you are browsing books, lift one up and then fall through the secret passage revealed. I’ve never successfully carried this one off, so if a better person than me is able to, please let me know.
THE EJECTOR SEAT
Now, this is by far the best. The ejector seat is fairly easy to mime, simply by crouching slightly and violently pulling a lever next to you and thrusting off. The icing on this awesome mime-cake is that while doing this, you sing the James Bond ‘Goldeneye’ music, more specifically if you are able, the music that occurs when you are killed in the Nintendo 64 version of the game.
I have a friend who uses this method very ably in the middle of failed jokes or anecdotes that lose their structural integrity. He is my ejector seat Bond theme role model.
This boppy technique is wonderful after making a faux-pas. I recently did it after forgetting someone’s name thrice, in one conversation. What you do is very simple, after shaming yourself in some way, you just funk it up. You just dance through the moment. In a serious situation, you can even Reverse- Shamefunk, which is when you dance backwards all the way out of the room.
The beauty of shamefunk is that if everybody in the conversation has been inducted into the rules of shamefunk, then it is up to everybody to funk away the awkwardness.
LACK OF STARS:
I became overly fond of the smoke bomb method of awkwardness dispersion. My mime became sloppy, and my meaning was lost. Soon it looked like I was lazily throwing a pie on the ground, and the awkwardness simply grew. Also, once when I mimed the jetpack, the noise I made along with it, meant to indicate the roar of the jetpack engine, sounded simply like I was farting a whole bunch.
So, always be careful.
Also, shamefunk has one noticeable weakness. If you are shamed from dancing badly, shamefunking will only EXTENUATE the problem.