Beloved actor. Ex husband. Man’s man. Sex Goldblum.
Do you want to know why Jeff Goldblum is my inspiration in life? Why I wake up every morning with his name on my lips? Why I yell his name during moments of personal doubt and also sexual intercourse?
It’s because Jeff Goldblum is everything I want to be. Let’s take a look at some of his most beloved roles in movies, and see if we can spot some kind of awesome trait.
Plot – A brilliant but eccentric scientist begins to turn into a fly after one of his experiments goes horribly wrong.
The Jeff Goldblum plot – A brilliant but sexy scientist begins to get naked in a machine after one of his experiments goes sexily wrong.
|“You didn’t need this elaborate machine to get me naked. I get naked to use a calculator.”|
Plot – An eccentric billionaire has created an island full of cloned dinosaurs which threaten to escape and kill everybody.
The Jeff Goldblum plot – For some reason, a mathematician is invited to the island by the crazed billionaires investors to sign off on how safe the amusement park of ancient death is. But of course, Jeff Goldblum isn’t just a mathematician, he’s a SEX MATHEMATICIAN. And after making a series of sexy warnings, he is vindicated and spends the rest of the film lying around in a sexy pose and being caught in oddly compromising positions with the eccentric madman who owns the island.
|“Me + You = ALL NIGHT LONG BABYSHAKES.”|
Plot – Aliens have come to earth to blow up all the major cities. Why? I can’t remember. Bill Pullman is there. Will Smith’s wife is a stripper, and this is embarrassing but also empowering.
The Jeff Goldblum Plot – Jeff Goldblum is some IT guy, and he is ignored by most people. However, he is the only one smart enough to realise the aliens are coming. This makes him sexy. Then the aliens are here, but they are indestructible. This makes him frustrated, which only makes him more sexy. Now, I’ve seen many IT specialists be both smart and frustrated, and this usually makes them smellier. Then, after hours of sexual tension with Will Smith, they fly a spaceship into another larger spaceship, and Jeff Goldblum sexily loads a floppy disc full of virus into the aliens. It is hot.
|“Floppy disc… hard drive? Ram? I dunno. Just kiss me.”|
The Life Aquatic
Plot – This is pretty much my favourite film ever. It is quirky.
The Jeff Goldblum Plot – Wes Anderson is smart enough to realise the Jeff Goldblum effect, so he therefore casts Jeff Goldblum as some kind of Sex Marine Biologist. He wanders around on submarine being sexy.
|“Wait, you’ve been filming all this time?
I haven’t even been acting.”
LACK OF STARS:
I’ve tried my hardest to be like Jeff Goldblum, to twist my every role into a sexier realm. So far I have failed fairly consistently at being SEX cashier, SEX dock worker, SEX captioner, SEX playwright and SEX blogger.
Perhaps it only works if you are a scientist.