Hello folks, so I’m back after my hiatus. Please don’t think I was drinking coconuts on a beach somewhere and flipping you all off the whole time. One, because I’m too pale for that and two because I wasn’t. I had a deadline for a play, so unfortunately all the time that I wasn’t at my paying job was spent writing that. And let me tell you, I missed this old bloggedy boo ba. So, after a week of incredibly tumultuous current affairs, what am I choosing to write my review on? The Royal Weeding? Spin Laden? No – actor James Franco.
James Franco, if you don’t already have the privilege of knowing him, is the handsomest, most talented, intelligent, charismatic man in the world. And that’s not even the slightest hint of exaggeration. Here are some reasons why:
*James Franco just starred in a movie called 127 Hours, where after a horrific mountain climbing mishap, he charms the audience and a sheer cliff face into loving him for one and a half hours.
|Did I say charming? I meant terrifying. Utterly terrifying.
Also, got mixed up with a zombie film.
*James Franco is starring in a movie called Howl, where he plays Allen Ginsberg. ALLEN GINSBERG.
*James Franco, as well as being a successful Hollywood and TV actor, is completing his PHD in Poetry. On the day he received an Oscar, he also did a class on renaissance poets or something. Our internet is strangely dead today, so I can’t verify all this shit. I’m just going to write this all in a word document and then contribute to what I can only imagine is a realm of misinformation about this man.
*Once I had a nightmare where my grandma was trapped in the sewers and there was this really big rat with five legs trying to eat me, and it was some real subtle horror going on and I was getting really quite distressed and then I rounded the corner and JAMES FRANCO was there. He helped me rescue my grandma and then we discussed beat poetry.
The problem with all this is that some people, from reading my crude words, are starting to hate him. Especially all you ugly people. But, if they ever met him, they couldn’t help but love him, such is his charm. It’s much like a concept that me and my good friend Daniel East came up with once, a superhero named Perfect Man. Now, Perfect Man doesn’t really need any overt laser eyes or possum hands to get by, he is just simply perfect. Everyone loves him, nothing bad ever happens to him, he can solve crimes with an arch of his perfect eyebrows. But this concept unfortunately led to a frustrating debate:
EAST: But he is so perfect that people would eventually get annoyed at his perfection.
ME: But actually, because he is perfect, it’s impossible to for people to get annoyed at him.
EAST: But perfection is annoying.
ME: Then by definition it’s not perfect perfection. Ultimate perfection is flawless, even of flaws bought about by its own perfection.
|Who knew that being perfect involved being so bumpy?
See, it would be different if it was simply looks, or simply intelligence. Those things are categorically annoying, the denser the percentage of it. But perfection is boundless. James Franco, is boundless. No, not fat. Boundless.
LACK OF STARS:
We should understand that there is nothing natural or holy about James Franco and his perfect face. Lessons learnt by Dorian Gray and various Cthulu summoning horror stories show me that one day there were be a terrible price to be paid for Franco’s vast gifts. I’m not CLAIMING that I know he sold his soul or made a pact with a demon or practice the blackest of black magics, I’m just saying that there is no other logical reason.
That said, I think he made the right choice, and an eternity burning in hell or driven mad by his decrepit portrait is probably a small price to pay for being so damn awesome.
So, James Franco if you are reading this, I’d like to put in an application to be your apprentice. I’ll sweep your tower, get into hilarious Disney type magical mishaps and stare at you while you sleep. I come highly recommended.
5/5. Of course.