Rocks

Sand with pretensions.
THE SCORE:
Without rocks, the world would be a limp sack of extraneous plant matter and briny water, limply held together by my arch-nemesis gravity. If we could live in such a febrile world of gooey insubstantiality, I can only assume we would have evolved as giant jellyfish people who sting each other for fun because we don’t have music, literature or external genitals.
FUN FUN FUN.
You’ve all heard of the Rolling Stones? Kids used to like them in the 1960’s, before they gave in to the man and became our fathers, grandfathers and drunk uncles. Well, the Rolling Stones were actually four plucky stones who were powered by music and set off to educate the world about the wonders of geology through some seriously good guitar work. There’s a reason they call it Rock ‘n’ Roll, yeah? The Roll was actually a misspelt homage to Keith Richard’s love of bakeries.
Of course they never got around to singing any songs about igneous rocks, because they all fell in love with another type of rock, and dedicated their songs to it.
That rock was crack cocaine.
LACK OF STARS:
Before humans came along, the world was a utopia for rocks, stones and to a lesser extent, pebbles. Shale is the black sheep of the rock family and never thinks about anybody but itself. Rocks were free to roll around slowly, congregating in beautiful meadows and thinking deeply about the sunset or birds. Sometimes so many would gather in one place they would form a mountain.
But when humans got off there space ship, led by the ancient primordial ape- king that is Tom Cruise, they immediately shattered rocks peaceful existence, using them as tools of war and humiliation.
TAKE THAT, PENELOPE!
But this is nothing compared to the horror that occurred when rocks began to be used to make humans houses and were melted into a sludge to be our roads and concrete idols. Now rocks are just fragile shards of what they used to be, shattered remnants of a once proud race. Whereas rocks used to have the freedom to just sit and gather moss, now the most they can hope for is find useful work in a rockery, with a kind gardener who will occasionally wash off the all the dog piss with a hose. And as the stoic rock sits there with humanity plotting to use it and its kin for larger, more elaborate follies, it dreams of being a mountain…
THE SCORE:
3.5/5 stars. 3 stars because rocks are cool? 

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