After years of suspecting I suffer a form of number-specific retardation, I’ve decided that I am actually the opposite of maths. Maths is all about creating unity and order and logical sense in a proceeding, and I’m about not understanding it.
If Suzy has three oranges and boards a train at London, how many oranges will she have left in Paris if she eats one every four seconds and touches a penguin incessantly with her giant meaty hands?
3>4 + penguin = 100% ordinary.
I just don’t understand Suzy’s motivation – do I find myself moved? No. Am I intrigued? Well, yeah, it’s the classic story premise. Girl meets oranges, girl loses oranges. Girl crosses continents on a magic sea-crossing train in search of oranges, but finds love with an unhappy penguin instead. It’s a great film.
|When sometimes A doesn’t equal B, and C is the answer you least expect…
Starring Jennifer Aniston as Suzy, Jack Nicholson as three oranges
and Hugh Jackman as ‘Steamy’ the unhappy train.
LACK OF STARS:
One of the more terrifying experience in my day to day life is having to pay for things. I have giant collections of coins because it is too hard for me to count in the necessary time.
|I DON’T KNOW, HOW MANY CAN I GET WITH THESE?
I used to have to do maths tutoring when I was in high school, because I could barely scrape through my class. One of them had a system where you played a bunch of computer games which were maths related. I think the idea was to appeal to Gen Y’s inability to focus on anything that isn’t bright and flashy and interactive, as if the problem isn’t a pathological inability to understand sequences and logic. But I remember the look of dull incomprehension on one of my tutors faces as I piloted my pixelated maths car off the cliff time and time again, because I couldn’t grasp what arbitrary system of logic they were working from. In what world does it make sense to utilise numbers in this fashion? Apart from ours, I suppose.
|THE ANSWER IS MORE WHISKY.
Strangely enough, the one type of maths I was any good at was algebra, possibly because there were a few letters thrown in to make me feel comfortable.
By the time I was in year 10, I quit maths, which usually involved a bunch of teacher/parent/principal related hoops to jump through. But strangely enough, everybody thought it was for the best.
I’m big enough to realise that the problem is with me, and not with maths. Thousands of people around the world probably have a great time adding and subtracting things, and god forbid, divide things. But not me. Nah, screw that. Maths is at fault and needs to shape up or ship out.
Meanwhile, there have been two cases in my life where people have honestly thought I was a special needs person, and this is the far less dramatic of the cases.
While working retail, a customer gave me a twenty dollar note and then, after realising however much the trinket she’d bought cost, then gave me an extra $3.50. The bauble was like, $8. I just looked at the money in my hands for about two minutes, before saying softly “I’m not equipped for this.” The customer went to complain to a manager, saying that they don’t mind equal opportunity etc, but I should have somebody with me to supervise.
I don’t really have any hilarious and witty stories about maths. I just suck at it. It’s a fact.
0.5/5 (I like bridges)