I have spent four hours trying to work out when the introduction of a rat into the scenario is a good thing. There are none.
You know what I hate? Lack of disease. Imagine what life would be like without millions of people suffering from buboes and pustulating sores? And who can forget the good time that was the Black Plague in the aptly named Dark Ages? What a shame that the Great Fire of London came along and ended that party.
|What, it’s clearly London. Can’t you tell by the clock and the fire?
Yeah, and those are rats attacking people, not furry cups.
So, really, kudos have yet to be extended to the great plague enablers known as rats. If they weren’t around to spread disease and bite things and carry louse in the labyrinthine underground mazes of the cities of the world, where would we be?
God bless you, rats.
LACK OF STARS:
A rat by itself is terrifying enough. I’m fairly sure that the proboscis ridden snot fish looks down on rats. There’s something about knowing that they are designed to burrow into entrails that really stops you from seeing the positives in an animals appearance. Guess I’m shallow.
But it’s never just one rat. There’s always more.
And this is what I hate the most about them. THEY LIVE IN THE CREEPIEST PLACES EVER.
When I was a kid, I lived in a country named Qatar. There was this ridiculous playground that we frequented, at a place called ‘The Falcon Club’. It was enormous, and filled with sad, broken play equipment and stretched for miles. You know that scene in Terminator 2 where Sarah Connor has a vision of the playground being hit by a nuclear bomb? That’s what this place looked like. And it was awesome. And dominating the middle of it, was a slightly smaller than scale castle.
|BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL.
It was boarded off, and all the kids believed it was because a kid had died in there. And when you looked over the shattered draw bridge and through the chinks in the nailed up gate, there was something about the black shadows that made you think they were right.
They weren’t. Instead, one day as the harsh desert sun began to set, I decided I would brave the castle. I shimmied over the wall (because I was young and spry then. Now I’m old and… drunk), and to my horror realised that the entire bowels of the castle were open to air, and through the shattered floorboards I could see a HORDE of rats seething around.
Of course, I was never able to tell anybody what I’d seen, because I’d broken the rules by trying to infiltrate the castle, and I remember when my parents asked me why I’d run screaming into the restaurant, I made up something about a kid throwing a wasp at me.
I hope nobody ever throws a wasp at me.
|Isn’t that weird that I drew myself as an adult.
Anyway, in that vein, near the ABC building there’s this creepy disused tunnel that used to be where trains went. Sure, it’s dark and full of rubbish, but that normally wouldn’t terrifying me. I wouldn’t have a picnic there, but I don’t have to make up stuff about big boys throwing wasps at me in there.
But twice now, I’ve been walking near it after work, and rats have come running out of the tunnel AT ME. And I know my action movies – when the rats are scared, that means something worse is in there. Or maybe a kid died in there. I don’t know. I hate rats.
Today I learnt that I can’t draw rats or London.