Giant gaseous explosions that live in the sky.


Sure, they’re hell pretty I guess. Plus they help me rate things.


Stars get a lot of positive press, but you have to ask, what have they actually done for us? I believe a star may have led some shepherds to el baby Jesus, but I can’t remember why they needed to be there anyway. Probably, after following the cruel, interstellar peer pressure of the star, their sheep wandered off and they were ruined. Their children starved, the lamb market plummeted and a whole bunch of moneylenders jumped out of the temple windows in despair. But it was all ok, because they have briefly glimpsed their messiah drooling near some oxen.

C’mon, all the lifestock handlers are doing it.

I had my own personal pain with stars earlier in my life. For those that know me, the notion that I am in any way ‘scientific’ or ‘methodical’ would probably cause people to wheeze out their own clavicles with laughter.  However, I did have a very systematic approach to superstition and religion. Basically, I periodically went through every deity and custom, such as ‘Buddha’ or ‘Making a wish when blowing out your candles’, and asked for the same, simple thing. Now, I know what you’re probably thinking, that i’d ask for a giant cat made out of fire to ride and magic powers and the strength of a thousand warthogs.

I tell people I always wanted to be a writer,
but what you see above is how I envisioned my future,

No. I realised that maybe there are divine rules about that sort of thing, so I just asked for something simple, pedestrian, and obviously simple for the supernatural to bring about. A sword and a crown. That’s all I wanted in life. A sword and a crown.

Anyway, when I got to the ‘wishing upon a star’ thing, I was in the family car looking out the window, and concentrating really hard on it. And to my surprise, as I’m wishing the heck out of things, a big green meteor flashes past me. Clearly a sign.
Oh and that’s the other thing. I realised that maybe it would be a bit too much for the sword and crown to appear in my hands/on my head, respectively, so I asked that they would appear in my underpants drawer. Cause I was strange.

So I ran home and looked in amongst my unmentionables, and there was no sword OR crown.

And that’s when I realised there is no magic, wonder or purpose in life.


2/5 stars.


2 thoughts on “Stars

  1. Amusing.But I have to point out (because you're wrong and I'm a stickler for right-ness)The shepherds went to see baby Jesus because of the angels. The angel that saw them had to tell them not to be afraid of him, he was so scary-looking, so I'm sure if I saw a scary angel, I'd do what he said, especially if a million more of them appeared a few minutes later.The magi (or "wise men" or "kings", as they are popularly known) followed the star to Jesus. By that time, he was no longer a baby, and they went there because he was who they knew to be the king of the Jews.But the wisdom of following stars is questionable, to say the least.

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