The process of turning beans into PURE LIQUID BLISS.
I love coffee. I love coffee eighteen times. Sometimes I lie awake all night thinking about the coffee I’m going to have the next morning. The sleeplessness makes it extra delicious. My brain does not actually work until coffee has been inserted into it, and people who know me don’t tell me anything important until this is so. For example, this has happened so many times it’s not even remarkable anymore, where I ask the ticket man at the train station for a large flat white.
The extra delightful stages of my caffeine buzz go something like this.
1. Peaceful happy nice nice.
|This song IS MY LIFE!
I remember once I detoxed from caffeine and alcohol and sugar for about two months, due to a) rampant excesses and b) wild tonsil flu, and I was heading off to my shitty job at the airport. It was 4am, I was on a stinky train filled with sleeping commuters from the south coast, I hadn’t slept at all the night before and I took a sip of my large coffee, and I realised I’d never, ever been so happy before. This sublime feeling of perfection of course wears off after about 15 minutes, replaced by…
2. Jitter, jitter, jitter, jitter, jitter.
This is what it feels like:
Not much to say about this, except that your thought patterns stop flowing, or really forming patterns for that matter. Instead… they swarm. I find myself solving about ten different problems, forgetting them and then thinking about zebras.
|TAKE THAT, DEADLINE!
I WILL COMPLETE EVERY TASK!
LACK OF STARS:
What goes up, must come down. We call it the Hindenburg principle. For me, this is usually characterised by a distressed bafflement at basic tasks or procedures.
|“Explain… yourself. Stop. No. I don’t want this now.”
This is when you start weeping quietly when trying to work out if you have enough change for a train ticket, or the sullen anger you get at the computer which keeps rejecting your password because you are continually typing ‘Patrick’ into the box.
But you know what – i’m not deducting stars because of this. You know why? Well, because I’m drinking a lot of coffee right now, and I CAN’T HELP BUT BE EXCESSIVELY OPTIMISTIC. And also because the simple cure is YET MORE COFFEE.