Brown Snakes

Pseudechis australis, the common King Brown or Mulga snake, is a species of venomous snake found in Australia. It is one of the longest venomous snakes in the world and the second longest in Australia. Despite one of its common names, “King Brown”, it is part of the Pseudechis (black snake) genus.


THE STARS
They eat rats?


LACK OF STARS
Back when I was at university, I found myself, how shall we say, a gentleman of leisure in between semesters. In other words, I was unemployed, lived with my parents and had about two months with nothing to do. My family all went on holiday (without me?) and left me in the house to slowly go crazy. My chosen form of madness that month was watching all the seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. In Inception terms, I was going deep. Really deep. I started eating all my meals in their basic components. I’d eat a sandwich in its individual parts, too lazy to actually put things on bread. Clothes became a concept of the past. The lounge was a scattered mass of wine bottles, Oreo boxes and Doritos bags, all cushioning the dread lord of sloth that was me. 

Well played, ladies.

Also, fun fact, because it was Buffy that I was watching, I became scared of vampires and carried my sword around everywhere with me. My dad bought this sword home from Oman for me, and it’s a ceremonial cavalry sword, ie blunt in every direction. Still, it’s fun to swing around.


Next in line of things I need to tell you to set up the premise of this story. I was probably left at home so I could mind our pets, Charlie the banker dog, Bella who was too special for this world and Lily the homicidal bitch-cat from hell. We adopted Lily from the nearby graveyard, where she had survived for years by eating rats and fighting vampires. She was hardcore. For some reason, she also loved me LOTS AND LOTS. In order to express her love for me, she would leave decapitated animals on my pillow. Hardcore. 


So as i’m watching Buffy, upstairs in my parents house, I begin to notice a strange sound coming up the stairs, distracting me from all the witty quips. THUMP, and I decide to ignore it. THUMP, and I start to wonder what the fuck the date was, and if this was my parents coming home who would probably attack me with a bat because I look like a meth addict who was wearing their sons skin. THUMP and I remember I’m naked. 
Last THUMP, and whatever this fucking thing is, is at the top of the stairs. So, tentatively, sword unsheathed (in more ways than one) I get off the lounge and turn the corner.


To discover that Lily has dragged up the stairs a FUCKING King Brown snake.

Gee thanks, but you know diamonds are forever.

Lily see’s me, and releases her tentative death grip from behind the snakes head. It rears up and begins lunging at my hardcore kitty. The cat is freaking out, yowling like Satan’s orgasm, and the snake is making this terrifying hissing/dry rattle sound. Clearly you can see what comes next:

I’ll never let you die, Angel! 

Remember that after weeks of Buffy indoctrination, I was fairly certain I was the goddamn slayer. So when my sword didn’t neatly slice through this enormous snakes head, I was rather surprised. I was even more surprised when the force picks the snake bodily off the floor and flings it across the room into the kitchen, where it hits the walls with a bloody splat.


It then proceeded to writhe in an ever expanding pool of blood under our kitchen table, as I watched in dumbfounded horror as it BLEEDS TO DEATH.


Now, if I hadn’t already convinced you that both me and my feline companion are seriously deranged, it’s what comes next that really takes the cake for me. Because like with anyone who has just taken their first life (i’m ignoring the crab massacre of ’93) I panic.
Despite the fact that i’m a bonafide war hero, who saved my families life with a SWORD, I freak out and start sweating like a naked, lanky humidifier. What am I going to do with the body? 


So I grab one of my empty Oreo boxes, stuff the snake corpse inside and CHUCK IT INTO MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOURS BACK YARD.
The perfect crime.
Of course, this story was eventually beaten out of me, when a month later Lily dragged half a decomposing snake cadaver into the kitchen.


THE SCORE:


0/5 stars. 5 stars for Patrick.

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