This Thing I’m Holding – Guest post by Daniel East

Daniel East fucks up the whole discourse on us. ps – it’s not his penis. OH HOLY GOD WAIT A MOMENT IS IT HIS PENIS? – ed
THE STARS
First of all, I’m giving this object a star for being solid-state matter at room temperature. None of that bullshit “liquid” state – what is that anyway? Fat, lazy gas? Substandard solid? Boo-urns liquid-state matter. Laziest of all the states.
Isn’t this a territory and not a state, thus negating your joke? – ed

EXCEPT THE NORTHERN TERRITORY, WHOSE CHIEF EXPORTS ARE RACISM AND BOX JELLYFISH
Next, it’s blue. A nice, sky blue. With a black switch-y thing. Switches are cool. Why can we not control more stuff through old school switches? Everything’s buttons these days. Buttons for your computer, for your shirt, for your iron, for your ironing board cover. Button earrings, button mushrooms, button wholesalers (not a switch in stock!), vintage buttons, custom buttons, I can’t believe it’s not button! ENOUGH WITH THE BUTTONS! Switches are way cooler. One star for its blue-and-black colour scheme/switch combination.
Finally, this thing I’m holding has a sheath. You can’t even THINK that word clean. Just say it – sheath. Sheeeea-th. Google search ‘sheath’ without the safety filter on. Yeah. Xena porn. One whole star for obtusely related to Xena porn.
Isn’t this ancient history, thus negating your joke? – ed
WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT IT! WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MENTION IT!
LACK OF STARS:
Finally, minus a half star for the one word written on it: “Dorco”. Dorco, yeah? Sounds pretty funny, right? Well it’s not. I’M NOT A DORKO, BRADLEY WATSON IT’S JUST THE WAY MY SPINE IS.
I hate you Bradley Watson.
I hate you, Dorco.
(But it is a funny word to say over and over until a gangly eight year old hate-chokes you until you’re eligible for a disability pension).
SCORE:
2.5 stars
Daniel East firmly believes that life is a cabaret, old chum.
He blogs over here, at The Great Affairs.
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