Jesus

Died so that I could be forgiven for vomiting all over that army base that one time.

THE STARS:

Jesus is a mighty wizard. The Bible is full of stories of him proving his magical might to crowds of stupefied onlookers, with special tricks like walking on water and turning water into wine. He may be some kind of water spirit? Anyway, he sounds cool and all, but I wonder how gobsmacked the world would have been if these guys were around. Magicians that would have totally beaten his ‘moneylenders out of the temple’ trick.
Rowr. A holy trinity I can finally get behind. Ahem.
Yeah, imagine a religion with a WHITE TIGER involved. Certainly beats the goddamn Holy Dove. Although I did hear that the Holy Dove is good friends with Super Horse.
I’m also pretty enamoured with Jesus for giving us Christmas. I like this holiday a lot, i’m currently enjoying putting copious amounts of wine and ham inside me. However, if instead of Christmas, it was actually Siegfried and Roy day, I think i’d be just as happy.
LACK OF STARS:

From all reports, Jesus was a nice guy. I’d probably be more interested in his religion if the Bible was called ‘That nice guy I met once’. However, more terrible, horrible things have been done in his name than any other poor sap. For the simple sake of the Crusades, holy wars and inequities around the world, I have to deduct millions of stars from old J.Dawg. Ironic, because wasn’t there a big old star that appeared at his birth? Whatever. When I think of stupid, close minded, bigoted people, I find that I’m usually thinking of Christians of one form or another. At the moment I can’t really think of anybody more involved with holding back social progression and evolution than fundamentalist Christians. So, thanks a lot Christians, your combined retard hat has turned Jesus into that unfashionable pariah on the theological runway.

THE STARS:

2/5 stars.

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3 thoughts on “Jesus

  1. Nice attempt Mark, and I like the enthusiasm, but next time try to leave some time to flesh out your opinions a little more. It helps your audience understand your ratings. But I'm glad to see this rating fad is catching on!East.

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