Oprah

Corpulently wealthy day time television talk show host with more followers than Jesus.

STARS

1 Star: Not Hitler
If my maths is correct, and it usually isn’t, it would be impossible for Oprah to be the reincarnation of Hitler. On that note, it’s unlikely that an incredibly aged Hitler took refuge in the persona of a talk show host. Then again, it’s just so crazy it might work. But until further… or fuhrer evidence comes forth, I’m going to give Oprah one star for not being Hitler.
½ Stars: There’s something under your seat

Oprah’s patented hidden seat giveaways have imbued me with a childlike sense of wonder and optimism every time I sit down. However, I’m only going to award half a star for this, because as of yet, my under-seat explorations have revealed only gummy disappointment.
LACK OF STARS

A little tip for anybody trying to get into my good books. I’m not a fan of applause. I really hate being forced to clap, and I get teeth grindingly upset when things progress into hooting and hollering. The Oprah show seems to revolve completely around caterwauling and spectacle, which I simply cannot abide. Give me a show that greets the kind of exuberant histrionics that Oprah employs day to day with stony silence, spiced perhaps with a dignified sniff or two.

Now THAT’S a talkshow host I could get behind. “And today we consider emotions – useless fripperies or necessary evils.”

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