The Toothbrush

Common household dental hygiene utensil, or global tooth tool conspiracy?


Ubiquitous and undeniably utilitarian, I’m awarding the toothbrush a star for giving me the chance to use so many ‘u’s’ in my description of it. Also, letting me avoid the rotting fangs of a Medieval Queen earns it yet another. And the final star comes from the simplicity and clarity of its name – it is a brush of teeth. I’ve heard from reliable sources that the original premise for the toothbrush was actually ‘Dr Zoomenhowers gum and tongue hygiene pole, with optional bristles’ but was scrapped for the simpler ‘toothbrush’ after Dr Zoomenhower died during the blitzkrieg.

Dr Zoomenhower.

Lack of Stars:

While the toothbrush seems like it does an admirable job at scrubbing plaque and bacteria away from our pearly whites, I am in fact disappointed at its Stone Age simplicity. In this age of laser shoes and cats that connect to the internet, the toothbrush hasn’t progressed beyond the original model. In fact, its efforts at joining the modern world – the so called
‘electric toothbrush’ – is an elaborate, battery powered farce. Nobody needs electricity to simulate a gentle brushing motion. Why are the fat cats upstairs withholding the miracle pastes or antibacterial tooth caps from us? The fact that they try to keep us placated with ‘improvements’ like bendable heads and purple speed fins, shows how far up this conspiracy goes. Mark my words, the dentists have an agenda, keeping us using sub-standard products in order to keep them fat and happy, poking around in our diseased mouths and cackling the entire time. Minus two stars for giant dental conspiracy.


3/5 stars.


2 thoughts on “The Toothbrush

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