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HELLO INTERNET BOY #1: Excited again

I was on a grey, early morning bus from Canberra this weekend, staring at the confirmation email from the AirBNB accommodation that I’d booked for New York, and for the first time since winning this grant I felt a flutter of trepidation, instead of overwhelming, beaming, Labrador-chasing-a-ball-made-of-meat excitement. I was starting to understand that my whole plan of appearing in a flash of light and cloud of brimstone directly out of the internet and into the lives and homes of people all around the world who I only knew as lines of text in chat programs and forums, meant that I’d be doing a lot of meeting new people and socialising. In fact, it’s kind of the crux of the entire project.

But the night before at a writers festival in Canberra, something I’d done to my body, perhaps something I’d eaten or the midday beer I’d drunk had triggered one of my many horrifying ailments and I started to feel like crap. One of the potential names that I have for my inevitable memoir is ‘The Life and Times of a Medically Weak Piss-Baby’, because while I like to think of myself as an energetic, happy-go-lucky  go-getter, I’m usually someone who is eating plain oats because my stomach ulcer has flared up, or is sticking their shingle-ridden leg out the tent flap so the breeze can blow on it, or is massively grumpy because of my iron deficiency. So surrounded by happy writing festival crowds and cool friends, I slunk back to my hotel room at about 10pm and went to sleep. I couldn’t help but wonder how I’d deal with a month in the US on my own, when a single night in Canberra had defeated me.

After an hour of listening to sad bearded men sing about the winter, the girl sitting next to me on the coach got up and had a word with the bus driver. When she came back, she told me had asked him to turn down the air-conditioning, which was somewhere near sub-zero levels. I smiled politely, but didn’t really take out my headphones or close my book – my dad, a frequent intercontinental plane traveller, had raised me on horror stories of being stuck talking to boring and/or insane people for hours. But then she made me an offer I couldn’t refuse: she asked me about the book I was reading.

What followed was a couple of hours of brilliant conversation – the subject got around to travel, and she told me about all the places she had travelled on her own. She was not only enthused, but hopeful about it all – she told me she travelled by believing in the best from humanity. I must have looked pretty shocked and sceptical, because I tend to believe the majority of humanity are sewer people, with the kind of habits and patterns that you get from wallowing around in the sewer. But she told me about being stranded on a train station overnight with meth-heads in Germany and eventually making friends with a whole bunch of homeless people who she shared her coffee with. She told me about missing her flight in Rome and some rich businessman showing her around the city in his Lamborghini – a story which could sound super sleazy, but I don’t think actually was?

Her version of how to travel alone wasn’t even the thing that made me feel better, it was actually the experience of sitting and chatting with her and enjoying meeting a new person. I think sometimes I underestimate myself, and even if my body is falling apart, there isn’t any pressure on me to hit this experience with the energy of ten thousand tigers. I can only hit it with the energy of one thin sickly man, because that’s all I have. So I can look after myself, and give myself realistic expectations and goals, and still be excited and enthused and slightly scared, but in a thrilled way, and not put pressure on myself to meet every single person and party every night and eat all the bagels, I dunno. I’m excited again.

This post is generously supported by the Thiel Grant for Online Writing, and is included in a 50 part series called ‘HELLO INTERNET BOY’ ranging from March 2015 – March 2016.
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I won the Thiel Grant for Online Writing!

Well, in stupidly exciting news I’m overwhelmed to announce that I’ve won the Thiel Grant for Online Writing! I’m very thankful and grateful to Mr Thiel and the judges who chose my proposal. And congratulations to all the amazing people also shortlisted.

star-trek-for-car-partyAs some of you may know, this will allow me to go forward with a project I’ve been working on for a LONG time. I’ll be tracking down and visiting people I played an online roleplaying game with when I was a teenager/early twenties jerkhole, and finding out what happens when internet friends become IRL friends. Magic, I assume. I’ll be writing a series of linked micro-nonfics for my blog during the experience and sharing them all over the goddamn place.

The grant will allow me to actually travel overseas and visit these people, something I would not be able to afford on my own. The next step for me will be getting a schedule in order, but I’ve already got a bunch of plans in place, including a roadtrip in June in the US with two of my roleplayer chums who I will be meeting for the first time, which is gonna be amazing.

I’m excited to explore the idea of truth and trust and online versus IRL personas, but also how funny it is when people meet? I love the idea that I know these people more commonly by the name of the orc politician that they roleplay than their actual name. I love the fact that they know me as a drunk elven lord named Mesildur, as well as Patrick the drunk jerk. I love that pretending as hard as we can to be elves is what will bring us together.

If you want to follow along with this project while I do it, I’ll be posting them on this blog and they’ll all be nice and tagged, and you can follow The Spontaneity Review on Facebook too.

I am very, very, very excited about all this! Big happy dance.
Http://teacherintherye.wordpress.com/2015/03/18/thiel-grant-winner/

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Come see me at The Noted Festival!

Next Saturday, March 21st I’ll be in our nation’s capital for The Noted Festival! It’s a new experimental literary festival, run by a cast of legends and it looks like it’s going to be stupid fun. I’ll be floating in to do cool stuff like the giant be-titted behemoth of our dreams and nightmares.

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“I’ve come to your city to read stories…”

I’m doing two events on the Saturday:

Ask me Anything: Patrick Lenton

  • Saturday, March 21, 2015
  • 1:00pm 2:00pm
  • Smiths Alternative Bookshop

Wondering what’s out there in the digital landscape for writers? Let playwright, fiction writer and The Spontaneity Review blogger, Patrick Lenton, guide you through the ins-and-outs of digital writing. He’ll also be on hand to answer all your questions about comedy writing, micro fictions and digital marketing. Tweet your questions to @NotedFestival.

and –

Lit Hop: Fresh Start

  • Saturday, March 21, 2015
  • 6:30pm 7:30pm
  • The YAH Hub Space

Stage one of Lit Hop, ‘Fresh Start’, will include a selection of readings from some of our Notable artists.

Artists include: Patrick Lenton, Emma Jones, Beige Brown

About Lit Hop: Like a bar hop, but better. Discover notable writers and performers as you go from one watering hole to the next. You’ll find storytelling, games and rowdy trivia in three separate venues, with pop-up pit-stops along the way.

I’ll be reading a story from A Man Made Entirely of Bats at the Lit Hop, and speaking of which the very awesome Paperchain Bookstore are stocking copies throughout the festival.

Hopefully I’ll see you at the festival, come and say hello, let’s do an awkward dance.

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Thiel Online Writing Grant shortlist!

I am very very excited to announce that I’ve been shortlisted for the inaugural Thiel Grant for Online Writing! It’s super exciting and I’m amongst some really fantastic writers.

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If I win, I’ll be doing a massive blogging project where I visit people all around the world who I used to play an online roleplaying game with as a teenager, and discovering what happens when you take a relationship from online to IRL. Is there a massive difference? Is there some kind of inherent truth to meeting someone in person that you mightn’t get in a chat room? Or does the internet maybe free you to forge a different kind of relationship? But mostly it’s about how funny and awkward it is to go on a road trip with people you technically haven’t met before.

Some of you may remember this as the project I pitched to the 2013 SOYA awards, in which I was a finalist – it’s been a project I’ve been working towards for a long time. You can also read a kind of prequel to the project over at Seizure’s Alt-Txt called ‘People I’ve Never Met from Places that Don’t Exist’.

 

CROSS MY FINGERS!

But it’s a huge honour, and I think it’s amazing that Philip Thiel created this grant for a medium of writing that still isn’t entirely understood or taken seriously by a lot of people.

 

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So I’ve published a book, oh my god what now?

On Sunday March 1st, A Man Made Entirely of Bats burst forth unto this world, shrieking and pissing furiously as literally dozens of onlookers watched in horrified awe. Let me say this about the entire publishing experience: it’s been an unmitigated joy. I feel so warm and protected by all the people who have supported me and my tiny rabies-filled baby. From the good people at Spineless Wonders, to all the amazing folk who bought a copy of Bats during our pre-release drive and are currently staring baffled at my personalised message, to the gorgeous hordes that came to my launch, to the people who have written nice things about the book… it’s just all been amazing. Thank you.

 

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LOOK AT THESE BRILLIANT PEOPLE

THIS BEN JENKINS GUY IS JUST SO NICE AND FUNNY and helped launch the book, what a goddamn prince.

THIS BEN JENKINS GUY IS JUST SO NICE AND FUNNY and helped launch the book, what a goddamn prince.

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Look at this fuckface

But there’s been a kind of unstoppable momentum up until this moment, all aiming towards the publication date. I’ve been annoying on social media, I’ve been wandering around thrusting my book into people’s faces. But the fact that it’s now published and in some bookshops and online doesn’t mean that it’s all stopped. Oh no, now it’s just began.

For me, I’ll be doing a lot of things. I’ll be doing readings and events and festivals. I’m heading down to Canberra later this month for the Noted Festival, I’ve got some exciting events at Giant Dwarf next month, doing something AWESOME with the Sydney Writers Festival, a comedy reading with some of my favourite authors at Better Read Than Dead in April… I’m going to be unstoppably in your face. That is what I’m going to be doing next. It’s not that I expect to make money from this collection of weird short fiction – I’m not trying to support my starving rescue dogs from the proceeds, or buy myself a white leather tuxedo. But I worked really hard on this book, and I’m proud of it, so I want to make sure that as many people as possible read it. I want to make sure I don’t sit idly by while it slowly fades away into nothing. Maybe it will be only read by a few dozen of the best people on earth, but it’s not in my nature to be complacent about anything to do with stuff I’m passionate about.

There was a great article in Seizure about what people can do to support a debut book, the weakest and most likely to die of all the books. I suggest you go and read it, because it’s just wonderful and 100% true: http://seizureonline.com/agony-aunt-friendly-fan/

Sometimes it is hard to know how to show support for the writers in your life. You toast them at the launch, slap them on the back or tell them how much you like their book. Don’t get me wrong, this is good moral support but it is very likely that the author you know is sweating it out. They are sitting at home staring at a crack in the wall that has begun to symbolise their life, because after years of slog, submission, acceptance and then sweet, sweet publication, nothing much really happens.

You may see a review or two, even in the serious literary supplement of a serious weekend newspaper, and assume that they are now your famous and successful author friend. This is most likely not true. From the outside they appear upbeat but their ears are ringing with deafening silence, punctuated by the odd review or mention.

So what can family, friends and fans do to help? Plenty.

This is what has rung true for me – it took me ages to realise that just because my published friends were famous to me, famous-to-me is not a position that sells books. One of my favourite things to do is only give Australian/friend books to people for Christmas. It’s an easy thing to do, and the recommendation that comes with it usually means the gift means more.

Anyway, this article has a list. I’m going to post this list.

So basically it is quite a challenge to get noticed as an author and the one you know is probably too bashful or prideful to ask for help. Here are some things that any friend, family or fan of an author can do to help raise their profile and get that clap-o-meter to move:

  • Buy a copy at the launch
  • Buy a copy from a bookshop
  • Buy a copy from a bookshop that doesn’t stock it and have them order it
  • Sneakily move your friend’s book to face-out when bookshop staff aren’t looking
  • Bring some friends to the book launch. There will, after all, be free wine and maybe even some cheese.
  • Depending on how close you are to your author, you may like to offer assistance to plan and execute the book launch (since this is often the author’s responsibility these days).
  • Say something online; Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads, to name a few*
  • If you’ve got a blog, write a blog post or run an interview; after all, you’ve got access to an author!
  • Take your author out for a drink. Ask them how the publicity trail (trial) is going and encourage them to keep going, to reach out to more bookshops, libraries and bloggers if they seem to have lost steam. Which they may well have, because trying to get attention for their book may seem like banging their head against a particularly unresponsive brick wall.
  • Brainstorm networks for the author to tap. These could be local schools if the book has relevance, media contacts or events planners – to name but a few. Publishers are trying to promote a roster of books all year round – an author’s networks are invaluable.

Such a good list! In my job as Digital Marketer, we’ve found that reviews on Goodreads and Amazon etc are just really important. They’re the internet version of word of mouth. And word of mouth is king. Anyway, watch this space if you want to find out deets of any of these events and stuff, and also now that things have calmed down a little bit, I’ll start actually writing some shit for this blog, instead of endless self promotion. Speaking of which:

If you want to buy Bats, you can buy it in print from many places like here at Spineless Wonders, here at Amazon and here at Booktopia or you can buy it in ebook from Tomely or Amazon.

But seriously. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone for all the support. You’re all golden dolphins swimming in the sun.

 

 

Launch Made Entirely of Bats

Come to A Launch Made Entirely of Bats

Hello friends – if you’re in Sydney, it is a week until the launch party for A MAN MADE ENTIRELY OF BATS! And you’re invited!

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It’s going to be such a good night – launching the book will be friend, former colleague, actor, comedian, writer, good guy and secret spy BEN JENKINS, who you might know as the host and co-creator of ABC’s Story Club, or his work on The Checkout, or maybe his podcast Free to a Good Home. He has so many facets to his bow.

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I don’t actually know what this is, but it came up when I googled Ben so… legally I have to include it.

 

 

The art of Daniel Lethlean Higson will be displayed and on sale as well. You might know him as the designer who created the amazing cover of A Man Made Entirely of Bats.

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Some of Daniel Lethlean Higson’s art: mountforeverest.tumblr.com

 

And I’ll also read a bunch of stories while you drink free booze and have some snacks and it will be a blast, a goddamn blast I tell you. Please come! Bring friends! See you there!

DETAILS:

WHEN: Wednesday 18th February, 7.30pm

WHERE: Alpha House Gallery, 226 Union Street, Erskineville (Just off King Street, near The Union Hotel)

 

 

 

Taken 2 Red Carpet Premiere - 38th Deauville American Film Festival

Review: Taken 3 – Take on Me

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Liam Neeson (Sean Bean) is kicking down the door to a cinema near you in the this summer’s latest instalment in the hit Taken series, Taken 3: Take on Me.

Taken 3: Take On Me is a real ‘A-Ha’ moment for the franchise, as we see a tired, decrepit Liam Neeson struggle to deal with not only the same shadowy organisation who keeps kidnapping his daughter, but also the deadly toll that movies one and two have taken on his skin care routine.

“Skin care routine”

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We open on Liam Neeson surprising his daughter, Kim Neeson (the daughter of Jack Bauer from 24) with a giant bear and a bottle of champagne, in what we can only assume is a tricky way of preparing her for when the kidnappers try to entice her into a van with a giant bear and a bottle of champagne. Job done for the day, he goes home to his loving wife Jean Grey (The Phoenix, a force of pure cosmic energy). Jean Grey, like many wives, has been stabbed – and twist o’clock, the pigs think that Liam Neeson did it.

“Twist o’clock”

 

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This is where the grumbly action that the Taken franchise is known for kicks off with both feet. While Sean Bean might be getting older every year, the people who design the stunts for these movies aren’t. These undying liche lords of stunt mayhem have Mr Bean jumping off everything. And if he’s not jumping off it, he’s blowing it up. And if he’s not jumping off it and blowing it up, it’s his daughter, Kim.

“IT’S HIS DAUGHTER, KIM.”

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In many ways, you can tell that director Bobby Megatron has crafted Taken 3 as a sort of homage to the action classic ‘The Fugitive’ in the sense that in many literal ways, Sean Neeson is ‘a fugitive’. This is particularly noticeable in the scene where Sean is fleeing from the law, which forms the majority of the film. It’s not entirely clear what the law enforcement agencies will do to Liam Payne if they find him, but it’s easy to see why he decides to flee from them rather than sit down and discuss things rationally like a normal human being.

Fans of Lil’ Neeson’s threatening phone calls from the original Taken will not be disappointed. While denied the use of his phone by the scheming FBI and their swooping satellites, Nelson nevertheless sends several badass faxes to his enemies, warning them of particular things he can do, threatening dreams he’s had, diploma’s in Small Business Management that he’s been awarded.

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Taken 3: Taken Out the Trash is a far darker movie to its predecessors – his wife has been “taken” by a “knife” in the “heart” and where she has been taken to is the valley of death, and he cannot go there. Always before he’s managed to rescue his daughter Kimbra from the places she has been taken to: the kidnappers conference, the sex boat, the grocery store – but alas, he cannot return Jean Grey from the dead.

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It’s the ambivalence inherent in this grim turn to the story of Larry Styles that elevates Taken 3 into more than simply the beating of a dead cash cow. I am unashamed to admit my eyes welled with sympathetic tears more than once throughout the screening – Sam Nelson is a character that a man can truly relate to. People take his things – my roommate, Robbie, ate two of my cucumbers without asking. But after watching this movie, I realised that it wasn’t a simple case of suffering a roommate with wandering hands and the odour of a lactating snake – my cucumbers were taken.

“MY CUCUMBERS WERE TAKEN”

TAKEN 3: TAKE ON ME hits the cinemas like that dude from The Slap hits that child sometime during February I think. 4 stars.

 

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2014 Crowd-Favourite Bullshit from this Blog

Hey, 2014 was a year that happened. For me it was a pretty grand year, which involved all sorts of nicenesses, but also there was some bad, it’s almost like a year is an arbitrary hunk of experiences sliced from the formless chaos that is existence by the math boffins who secretly run the world! Almost like. Anyway, I wrote some stuff on this blog and I’m going to look at the stats and see which ones people liked the most/ clicked on!

1. Valentimes Day Cards for non-suckers

GODDAMNIT, MOVE MOGGY. PAPA NEEDS A NEW BLENDER.

GODDAMNIT, MOVE MOGGY. PAPA NEEDS A NEW BLENDER.

You guys. Love is a funny thing, and Valentimes day is a stupid thing. If anybody ACTUALLY gave their significant other one of these cards, I will send them a hamper.

2. Urgh, Writing

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So this year I wrote A Man Made Entirely of Bats and started submitting it to places and then was lucky enough to have it picked up by Spineless Wonders. I’ve been blogging about the process of writing and publishing a book – and will continue to do so – and have put it all under the series name ‘Urgh, Writing’. I do some things like explain what an editor is.

3. WRITERS I REAL LIKE

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This is one of my favourite things I’ve started doing on da blogue this year. Writers I Real Like is a little series I’ve been doing where I wax rhapsodically about some writers I goddamn like. It’s a real treat to potentially introduce people I like to other people! So far I’ve had this host of legends: Kat Muscat, Michelle Law, Scott McClanahan and Jack Vening.

4. Curriculum Worstae

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A ten part series of micro-fictions about some of the worst jobs I’ve ever done! It’s like an anti-resume!

5. 10 Potential Spinoff Shows from Game of Thrones

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 1. How I met your Mother of Dragons

Fun and sassy sitcom about Daenerys Stormborn, living in New York and falling in and out of love. Jorah Mormont played by Neil Patrick Harris.

 2. Jon Snow’s Feelings for Snow

Jon Snow solves murders in the cold wastes beyond The Wall.

3. Melisandre’s Puppy Rescue

Because the night is dark and full of terriers.

Read more.

 

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Five Books from 2014 that I Can Remember

Hey, look, if I had even a hope of remembering all the books I read during 2014, I’d goddamn do an end of year best of 2014 style list. End of year lists are my jam – I unapologetically love them. I frequently go and read ‘best albums’ lists, and then spend the subsequent year really enjoying them, but being unable to discuss them in cool bars, because they are so last year. Anyway, I’ve decided to just fucking go with the flow and list five books that I read this year that spring to mind, because obviously they mean a lot to me.

1. Yes Please by Amy Poehler

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I love Amy Poehler, so it wasn’t really a surprise that I thoroughly enjoyed her book. What was the surprise was the method in which I enjoyed it. Yes, I laughed. I did this weird thing where I grinned really widely on public transport and just breathed through my nose a lot. It is goddamn funny. But it was also entirely genuine, and gave advice in the manner of someone you trust telling you something really relevant and truthful. This book came at a very good time for me – there’s all sorts of racks you flay yourself upon when you’re putting something as momentous as a book out into the world, even if it’s only a teeny-tiny book. Amy’s views on art making were refreshing and revitalising. And to be honest, her whole chapter about prize winning and ‘almost getting the pie’ was SUPER timely for me. God this book. I feel like I’ll be reading it once a year for sanity.

2. Dress, Memory by Lorelei Vashti

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I’ve been a fan of Lorelei’s for a while, having been introduced to her blog by my girlfriend, Bridget, who very rightly pointed out that it would be right down my alley. I enjoyed everything about this memoir – the tactile memories of the dresses themselves, the honesty, the humour, the style of writing. But this was also a very important book for me, because it helped confirm the direction I was going on with my own manuscript ‘Will You Look At All These Things?’. If you read this blog a lot, you’ve probably read some bits from it, but I’m basically writing a memoir, or as I describe it ‘a bunch of anecdotes from my life worth telling’. At various points while writing it, I’ve been filled with doubt about whether it’s worth writing – there’s no overarching narrative to adhere to, I’m not a celebrity, I’m relatively young and people are being mean to Lena Dunham about writing a memoir while young, and SHE’S a fucking celebrity with a TV show – what the fuck have I done? But the very description of this book salved some of those fears: ‘Dress, Memory is Lorelei Vashti’s piecemeal memoir of her twenties in dresses.’ Piecemeal memoir – I love that.

3. The Rook by Dan O’Malley

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Yep. Most fun had in book form. A really humorous yet still suspenseful urban fantasy, it just ticks all my boxes. Oh man. Basic plot: woman wakes up surrounded by creepily gloved dead bodies, has no memory of who she is, but finds letters to herself hidden in her clothing from before she lost her memory. Then basically has to play out a high placed role in a kind of Hogwarts style secret service. I didn’t want to stop reading this, it’s just so wonderful.

4. Crapalachia by Scott McClanahan

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Beautifully written, disturbing, playful, just absolutely excellent. I already talked a bit about this when I raved about how much I liked Scott McClanahanahanahan, but I can honestly say I haven’t stopped thinking about this book since I read it.

5. Bel Canto by Ann Patchett

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I read this book as part of my Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge, and in doing so totally confirmed why I started doing this ridiculous challenge in the first place, and why I’ll probably be doing it for the rest of my life. But this book is breathtaking – and I don’t mean that in the trite, over-used way we’re used to hearing breathtaking. This book made me hold me breath in suspense, and release it in wonder. It was just gorgeous.

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A Man Made Entirely of Bats: LOOK AT THE COVER

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Jesus, Mary and Tim – I’m so frickin’ excited to reveal the cover of my collection A Man Made Entirely of Bats. Oh my goodness. Without further ado, here it is:

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I just love how in many ways it’s saying ‘I’m a decapitated head. I may not be able to form words through my severed vocal cords, but I still have something to say’. I love how there is a ‘man made entirely of bats’ in the background. The bat ground. I love how it says my name, like I’m a real person, and not a robot.

This is the work of the ultra-talented Daniel Lethlean Higson. Bronwyn, my publisher showed me his work right at the beginning of this process – ‘I’ve seen this guy and I think he’d be perfect for your writing’. And it is totally true – I absolutely adore this cover. He’s also done amazing interior illustrations in the book. Daniel’s work is colourful and weird and endlessly fascinating. You can check out more of his art at mountforeverest.tumblr.com

A Man Made Entirely of Bats is coming out on March 1st 2015, but we’re doing a super cool preorder drive at the moment, which means you’ll get it much earlier than everyone else. Also, you get it for the cheap-as-free price of $17.99 instead of $22.99, and it will include a personalised message/story/litany of insults from me, and a free 6 month’s subscription to the Spineless Wonders Bookclub – that’s a download every fortnight for 10 weeks starting in Feb 2015,  valued at $15.

It would be really, really great if you considered getting in on this pre-release offer, perhaps as some kind of Christmas present – what do you get the person who has everything? A really weird book. What do you get your weird nephew? A really weird book. What do you get your enemy? A really weird book, which will dismay and disorient them!

But what is it even about, you ask? Well, why don’t you listen to one of these handsome experts who wrote nice things, which is just such a lovely fucking thing to do.

‘Despite – or, perhaps, because of – a recurring preoccupation with the television show Friends, A Man Made Entirely of Bats is a consistent laugh-riot.’

SIAN CAMPBELL, Scum Mag

‘Featuring a colourful assortment of superheroes, mutants, zombies, bank robbers and boy bands – these stories are wonderfully bizarre, original and hilarious. A new and original voice, Patrick Lenton’s short stories bring qualities rare in Australian fiction; inventiveness, humour, and a fine sense of the absurd.’
RYAN O’NEILL, The Weight of a Human Heart

To order, you just need to go to the Spineless Wonders website: here. You’re so great.

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