Awkwardness

You may have realised from reading this blog that I am both awkward and good at putting myself in awkward situations. On that note, I have compiled a list of handy hints to get out of awkward situations – or at least reduce their severity.

THE STARS:

JAWKWARD:

The first thing you have to realise is that small moments of awkward are often made worse by many of the techniques and skills I’m about to relate to you. Therefore, it is crucial to recognise instantly if the awkward situation you have found yourself in is actually so bad it is jawkward. Jawkward is where either you, or everyone around you, are so struck by the awkwardness of the situation, it is expressed by a fixed jaw position.

OK… that picture could be better. Awkward.

An example of a good jawkward situation was in a theatre lobby a while ago, where I ran into this actress who I vaguely know. She says hello, and I decide to lean in for the cheek kiss. I lean a little too far (she is short) and end up awkwardly kissing the side of her neck. THAT IS THE AKWARD MOMENT. How does it become jawkward?
I then decide to blow a big raspberry on her neck.
When I come back up, there is a room full of really, really, jawkward faces.

TECHNIQUES FOR ESCAPING A JAWKWARD SITUATION:

So, now you’ve established the level of awkwardness. What do you do? Try these handy hints -

THE SMOKE BOMB
This is a classic way for escaping an awkward moment, especially in conversation. Miming a smoke bomb, disappearing under the cover of a bunch of mime smoke.

THE JETPACK
Once again, miming a jetpack will help you escape. The good thing about this one is it’s very useful at parties and a staircase is nearby. I tend to use this one when I’m stuck in an awkward conversation and I’m actually just trying to get upstairs to pee.

THE SECRET BOOKCASE PASSAGE
This is not for the amateur. A more complicated mime, you have to indicate that you are browsing books, lift one up and then fall through the secret passage revealed. I’ve never successfully carried this one off, so if a better person than me is able to, please let me know.

THE EJECTOR SEAT
Now, this is by far the best. The ejector seat is fairly easy to mime, simply by crouching slightly and violently pulling a lever next to you and thrusting off. The icing on this awesome mime-cake is that while doing this, you sing the James Bond ‘Goldeneye’ music, more specifically if you are able, the music that occurs when you are killed in the Nintendo 64 version of the game.
I have a friend who uses this method very ably in the middle of failed jokes or anecdotes that lose their structural integrity. He is my ejector seat Bond theme role model.

SHAMEFUNK

This boppy technique is wonderful after making a faux-pas. I recently did it after forgetting someone’s name thrice, in one conversation. What you do is very simple, after shaming yourself in some way, you just funk it up. You just dance through the moment. In a serious situation, you can even Reverse- Shamefunk, which is when you dance backwards all the way out of the room.
The beauty of  shamefunk is that if everybody in the conversation has been inducted into the rules of shamefunk, then it is up to everybody to funk away the awkwardness.

LACK OF STARS:

I became overly fond of the smoke bomb method of awkwardness dispersion. My mime became sloppy, and my meaning was lost. Soon it looked like I was lazily throwing a pie on the ground, and the awkwardness simply grew. Also, once when I mimed the jetpack, the noise I made along with it, meant to indicate the roar of the jetpack engine, sounded simply like I was farting a whole bunch.
So, always be careful.

Also, shamefunk has one noticeable weakness. If you are shamed from dancing badly, shamefunking will only EXTENUATE the problem.

THE SCORE:

4.5/5 stars

Jeff Goldblum

Beloved actor. Ex husband. Man’s man. Sex Goldblum.

THE STARS:

Do you want to know why Jeff Goldblum is my inspiration in life? Why I wake up every morning with his name on my lips? Why I yell his name during moments of personal doubt and also sexual intercourse?

It’s because Jeff Goldblum is everything I want to be. Let’s take a look at some of his most beloved roles in movies, and see if we can spot some kind of awesome trait.

The Fly

Plot – A brilliant but eccentric scientist begins to turn into a fly after one of his experiments goes horribly wrong.

The Jeff Goldblum plot – A brilliant but sexy scientist begins to get naked in a machine after one of his experiments goes sexily wrong.

“You didn’t need this elaborate machine to get me naked. I get naked to use a calculator.”

Jurassic Park

Plot – An eccentric billionaire has created an island full of cloned dinosaurs which threaten to escape and kill everybody.

The Jeff Goldblum plot – For some reason, a mathematician is invited to the island by the crazed billionaires investors to sign off on how safe the amusement park of ancient death is. But of course, Jeff Goldblum isn’t just a mathematician, he’s a SEX MATHEMATICIAN. And after making a series of sexy warnings, he is vindicated and spends the rest of the film lying around in a sexy pose and being caught in oddly compromising positions with the eccentric madman who owns the island.

“Me + You = ALL NIGHT LONG BABYSHAKES.”

Independence Day

Plot – Aliens have come to earth to blow up all the major cities. Why? I can’t remember. Bill Pullman is there. Will Smith’s wife is a stripper, and this is embarrassing but also empowering.

The Jeff Goldblum Plot – Jeff Goldblum is some IT guy, and he is ignored by most people. However, he is the only one smart enough to realise the aliens are coming. This makes him sexy. Then the aliens are here, but they are indestructible. This makes him frustrated, which only makes him more sexy. Now, I’ve seen many IT specialists be both smart and frustrated, and this usually makes them smellier. Then, after hours of sexual tension with Will Smith, they fly a spaceship into another larger spaceship, and Jeff Goldblum sexily loads a floppy disc full of virus into the aliens. It is hot.

“Floppy disc… hard drive? Ram? I dunno. Just kiss me.”

The Life Aquatic

Plot – This is pretty much my favourite film ever. It is quirky.

The Jeff Goldblum Plot – Wes Anderson is smart enough to realise the Jeff Goldblum effect, so he therefore casts Jeff Goldblum as some kind of Sex Marine Biologist. He wanders around on submarine being sexy.

“Wait, you’ve been filming all this time?
 I haven’t even been acting.”

LACK OF STARS:

I’ve tried my hardest to be like Jeff Goldblum, to twist my every role into a sexier realm. So far I have failed fairly consistently at being SEX cashier, SEX dock worker, SEX captioner, SEX playwright and SEX blogger.

Perhaps it only works if you are a scientist.

THE SCORE:
5/5 stars.